so sorry

Dear neglected blog,

I am so sorry. You are supposed to be how I document and remember the fleeting moments of life, but Im too busy to check in.

Basically, the kids are cute. we love them. they get bigger every day :)

We just had a visit from Grandma and Papa and the kids had a blast swimming at the hotel (as usual). It was easy with them being older. Abram has a life vest and floaties and out he went, all on his own, and he LOVED it.

We are getting ready for a visit from Nana, Auntie Sarah and cousins Mimi and Giana. They are coming for Mothers Day and Calebs birthday and its all the kids talk about. We are returning to Great Wolf Lodge and the kids can hardly wait. I can hardly wait to squeeze my nieces! They will be here 10 days - I anticipate lots of late nights laughing and crying with my sister. She's amazing! And Abram is so ready for all his hugs and kisses from Nana - she will be in Nana heaven!

We've had some more rough bouts with sickness but thankfully we are healthy, healthy right now! Ive been off of sugar and gluten completely for 6 weeks and Ive lost 15lbs. Ive changed a lot of things, added a lot of good raw superfoods and its starting to pay off. I feel good!

Thats all for now ... more work to do! :)

February 24, 2011

Faith

There was death, in me, wrapped up in my womb.
What should have been.
Life Potential.
Gone.

But she wasn't. She was there, inside, still mine.

For weeks I lay down at night, weeping womb, and eyes.
I wanted her to stay, my only chance to hold her...
Here.

And our time came, so violent, so much.
I was tested and what came was fear.
She was leaving. And my body betrayed. And tried to go too.

And You were there, incarnate in hands held and prayers whispered.
In bright lights and loopy somewhere,
You whispered, "stop".

And you, who should be here, at my breast and in my arms. You went alone.

Do you hear me Faith? Do you hear the quiet, aching, weeping of my womb?
But you don't ... You're with Him.
The light breaks through.

Never mine. You weren't.
We are sisters, clinging to the same Love.
Saved by the same grace.

Sometimes I almost feel you here in my arms, smell you ....
and the stinging wave crashes hard.

Death tried to empty me sweet daughter,
but it's lost its sting. Our Savior. He won. He heals.
I smile at what He's done.

Because of Him we have life here ~ and there.
'Til I see you and we dance on streets of gold, I love you.
Your Mama



© Rachel Loth, 2011

Catching up

Wow its been a long time since I blogged! I was really enjoying using my blog to post about the things I DID accomplish each day as a way of being positive and thankful. However some comments from an anonymous poster kind of discouraged me from sharing so much. Im always an open book but it unsettled me a bit.

Anyways, Im back :)

We got hit hard with either the flu or something very flu-like a few weeks ago. We have never been so sick and I think thats actually the first time we all got sick together. By God's grace I did not get the high fever, aches, etc. that everyone else did. I did get a bad cough and have a day or two of not feeling great but nothing like them, and that enabled me to take care of them like they needed me to. Ive dealt with a lot of sickness and fevers as a mother but this bug was the worst fever Ive seen by far. Their fevers were SO high. Even alternating tylenol and advil they'd still have fevers of 102. I usually let fevers run their course without meds but they were very uncomfortable and not eating or drinking without meds - thats when you know you need them!

Strangely Steve and the big boys were the sickest. Abram was last to get sick and I was so, so, SO thankful that he had a very mild case. I was sleep-deprived and emotionally spent by that point :) We are super glad to be healthy right now!

We had record low temps a week ago with ice and snow and today it was 80. You gotta love Texas, the weather here still amazes me after 5+ years. We are going to have a gorgeous week in the 70s - I call this "California weather" :)

God has done something beautiful as the day I would have been due with our sweet baby draws near. Ive kind of dreaded it, not knowing how it would make me feel. The day is February 24th. There were/are several mama friends of mine, from church, due around the same time. It has been very hard at times, over the past 6 months, to see their growing bellies. Usually the sadness only lasted for a moment, but those moments have been hard. Well one by one the Lord has brought them to me to ask for help with their childbirths. I LOVE being a doula. Each time Ive been blessed to be at a birth has been so incredibly special.

I recently attended the births of two of these sweet moms. Both had successful VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean) and both were AMAZING experiences. The second mom was actually due the same exact day I was. So as I think of my due date drawing near, instead of crying I am smiling and smiling BIG. The Lord was kind to take me right to that pain and hurt and to the people its been hardest to be around, and allow me to serve them and be blessed in return.

Ill be attending another birth as doula in a few weeks and meeting with another couple soon for a "crash course childbirth class". I love it, it nourishes my soul. Im so thankful. And truly I am thankful things are as they are - He knows. I am too blessed to do anything but give thanks. We are still looking forward to more little Loths around here one day but we are enjoying the break and having "big kids" too! :)

enough blabbing. Back to work, editing and uploading and trying to get things done while everyone sleeps soundly.

Pretty

The other day Abram brought me a picture and told me it was "pretty". He had never used that word all on his own so I was surprised. This is the dialogue that followed. Still chuckling over it ....

Is mommy pretty?
No mommy pretty.
Is Jayna pretty?
No Jayda pretty (thats how he says Jayna :))
Well who's pretty then?
Grandma!

That made Grandma's day :)

Later at dinner we went around the table and asked and he said only Noah was pretty. That made Noah have to pretend it made him mad and the rest of us got a good laugh :) He came up to me the other day and said, "Mommy pretty and me pretty too!" in this super high little kid voice. Soooooo cute. We've been working on teaching him about boys being "handsome".I love this age!

Goings on

My stinker of a 2yr old got the bottle of Melatonin yesterday somehow. I have no idea how/why it was out on the counter. It had been a few days since we'd used it and Im always so careful to put it up because the top is not childproof. He was chewing up 10 of them when I found him. My heart goes so easily back to that place of fear from when he was so sick back in June. Its so helpless to just have to watch and wait for that moment when you are supposed to know when to rush them to the ER.

Just the thought of losing him (or any of the children of course) makes my heart so sick. Last night I laid in bed next to him, stroking his head and praying, my heart bursting with love for him. And I felt the Lord say, "many other mothers have loved their children like this, and I was with them all". It was a gift of peace for my mommy heart. Of all the many mothers who have cried out to God for their children's lives, some lost their children and some saw them grow up and have children of their own. Peace isnt a promise of any outcome, but only the knowledge that He is good and no matter what He will be there in the middle of it. Thats the faith part. We have had the opportunity to experience that over and over the last 14 months or so & we have seen miraculous things happen, His provision and protection and healing.

We went to a Christmas event at the Children's hospital tonight. We have a good friend who works there. He asked us if we ever had to bring any of the children there and we had a good laugh - Noah had a frequent flyer card for awhile. And of course we came very close to being there yesterday with ABram. As the fireworks blasted forth in the sky I looked up to the second floor windows and saw crowds of beautiful, but very sick, children smiling, their eyes dancing in amazement. I pray for their mothers tonight, that they would know His peace in the middle of their storm and that He would heal their children. I pray next year they will be outside with us, huddling in the cold with cookies and hot chocolate and a year worth of stories of healing and provision.

More happiness

You can read a few posts down about why Im listing all the good parts of our day. Its not to brag, its to battle self-condemnation and be thankful for all the wonderful aspects of being a mother to 4 young children!

So I didnt blog about Sunday. oh dear. Church that morning was awesome, we felt so loved and welcomed back after sickness had kept us away. It was restoring to my soul, so beautiful to worship with the Church. Then that evening we went to a Christmas performance. We went with friends but Steve had to work. Lets just say .... not so good. The kids were a little restless, the people in front of us got rude and I left. We all cried all the way to the car. I told them Id never take them anywhere again, etc. Not pretty. But we took our evening back - got home, had dinner they love (quesadillas and apples), baked some gingerbread cookies (shout out to Immaculate Baking Co) and watched Elf. We were happy again, laughed, and ended the night well. Im proud of that. and thankful.

Yesterday was another great day (thank you Jesus! these days are water to our parched souls) In the evening we drove to Grapevine to see "Journey to Bethelehem". We had to wait quite a bit and the kids were very well behaved. The actual "Journey" was way more real than I expected - hiking in the dirt over small hills, over a bridge, etc. in the pitch black night. Roman guards rode up on horses and checked our papers, and they had real camels, sheep and donkeys. They had a very realistic Bethlehem marketplace set up.... it was really neat. The kids loved the bunnies.It was COLD but the big boys especially had a blast. We ended the night with hot chocolate, popcorn and playing in their playscape. Super fun memories :) We got to bed late but its ok!

We have always been honest with our kids that Santa isnt real. We tell them about Saint Nicholas and how some families pretend Santa for fun and we should never ruin it, etc. But sweet Caleb is really thinking it all over this year. He keeps asking if Santas real, "just tell me the truth mom". I always tell him he's not but there is so much in our culture that says he is, that he asks again lol. He is so sweet and sincere. I just love his tender heart.

Pictures coming soon. These posts are boring without pictures :)

Yesterday

Yesterday was one of the best days we've had as a family. Im the one who loves family outings, holiday-related activities, etc. Steve ..... not so much. I start calling him scrooge about this time of year :). We tried the pumpkin patch in Oct and ended up with 2 of 4 kids having a nasty attitude and leaving totally miserable, hot, dirty and full of regret for even trying.

Like iI mentioned before, we got rid of our fake tree a few years ago because of the lead thing. And this year Caleb asked for a tree. So we headed to Mainstay Farms yesterday to cut down our own. We had an AWESOME day! They had go-kart things to ride (pedal), a huge tube slide, tractor rides, a jumping pad thing, etc. All for free. The kids had a blast and the weather was gorgeous. We had low ceilings in this house so we had to go for a smaller tree - and only those were anywhere near our budget. At the very end when we were about to leave we found "the one" :) It looked tiny but its just absolutely perfect in our house and smells wonderful. The price was a little steep but it makes me feel good to support a Christian, local, "green" business and not WalMart. And we actually came home to a Christmas check from a relative that covered it all. Praise God!

There was pretty much no fighting, we stopped and got lunch on the way home and the kids loved that (I wont even say where but it was cheap so that was good :)) I had a photo session just before sunset and it was cold but a really fun one, with fun people. I came home and hung the Christmas lights outside while Steve napped before his Sat night job. JJ and Abram came out and "helped" :) Then we put the lights on the tree inside - the kids too turns holding the string for me and following me around and around while I hung them on the tree (scrooge was not sad to miss this even so dont worry about him)

Then I made homemade waffles with freshly ground spelt. The kids LOVED them, said they were like cake. They did taste that good and were totally healthy, no sugar, etc. We use agave as syrup. We did our advent reading and Jesse tree ornament as well as our advent calendar before dinner over. It was a perfect end to a great day :) It was SO great to be out and not stuck here all day. The house is a disaster but it doesnt matter, it was worth it

Now off to get ready for church - finally after weeks and weeks we are all healthy and ready to go. I adore our church family, so real, so beautiful. I cant wait to go worship with them this morning!

Sweet Moments from today

(See my post below about why Im doing this)

Good things from our day - Day 2

- snuggled in bed a bit this morning with Jayna in one arm and Abram in the other. She's such a tiny little fairy, I just adore her. Id look at her full of love and amazement one minute then burst into tears at how much she's grown the next (darn hormones). I told her about when she was a baby and I was sooooo excited to be having a girl and everything was pink and she wore a bracelet every day. She smiled and snuggled in and when I cried she told me she'd never leave me. But then she told me Id have to give her money. haha!

- Abram just woke up with growing pains in his legs (doesnt he seem young for that?) He kept saying "hurting". So cute. I got him advil and rubbed his legs a bit and just held him and sang our favorite song until he fell back asleep.

- Parked the suburban at the end of the driveway and the kids rode scooters and played out front. I worked on hanging up the Christmas lights and priming some spots on the garage door (although then I changed my mind on which lights I wanted and took them down :)) I told Noah if he could rake all the leaves into a big pile they could jump in them. And he did :) The neighbors joined for a bit then we went next door and they played in their front yard while I chatted with the parents. Abram stuck by me like glue, sweetie pie. The kids had a blast and were covered head-to-toe with leaves so I took them all in for a shower!

- Abrams up again ... mommy duty calls!

A New Project

I really dont need another project at the moment but I have something I want to try on my blog. It may be extremely boring for my readers but helpful, hopefully, to me.

One day, awhile ago, I realized that every single night I went to bed I ended my day with self-condemnation. It was usually relating to failures as a wife and mother. I never, ever went to bed and thought, "I did a good job being a mommy today". When I think back to the last 8 years as mommy, the first things that come to mind are failures. I was too hard on Noah when he was little, expected too much, pushed him to read too early, yelled too much, etc. And these days I feel like Im on the computer too much, not teaching the kids enough, too short tempered, etc.

But of course I did do some good things and some things right. I remember taking Noah out to toddle around and sitting for hours teaching him colors and shapes when he was only 1 (he knew them so early!). But I really do have a bad memory and dont remember as much as I should.

so what I want to try to do as often as possible is list the good things from my day. Moments my children were happy or felt loved, or I took time to sit and snuggle with them or just any good moment from our day. Since I have a horrible memory and tend to remember the bad more often than the good, I think this will be a good exercise.

so here goes .......

- Abram fell asleep going to pick up Noah, around 4pm. I got home and we could NOT get him to wake up. If we tried he just said, "go away! go away!". Steve and I were cracking up about that. so after several failed attemps I just let him sleep on my chest. I fell asleep with him for half an hour while a movie played and the older kids played elsewhere. We had a good snuggle (and a nap for mommy is a very rare treat!) :)

- Noah was putting his mouth on the end of a yellow latex dish-washing glove and blowing it up. Then Abram would run up and "pop" it and run away screaming and laughing. It was so sweet.

- I was pretending to sleep and Abram would tip toe up excitedly, giggling with anticipation. Id just have to yell "rawrrrrr!" and he'd literally fall down, laughing hysterically. It was just too easy. I love his big smile and his dimples and the pure joy when he's belly-laughing.

- Caleb put on some kids bible songs and he, Jayna and Abram danced around singing. Caleb pretended to play guitar on a wooden sword. Too cute. He loves music.

- and I dont want to forget the look on Steves face today when Jayna ran in and curled up on his lap. Usually she makes him work very hard for any affection and its extremely hit-and-miss. He was so shocked & instantly wrapped around her finger. She is getting so big, I keep telling her to stop growing

- Noah had school today. They had a spelling bee and he missed his first word ("yawn" - which he does know how to spell). He was so bummed, poor guy. He's thriving at school though and loves it.

- Caleb asked if we could put the tree in the front room and open presents infront of it on Christmas. My sappy boy :) We got rid of our big fake tree a few years ago when it came out that they often contain lead and the dust from them can cause lead poisoning. Caleb was dealing with some serious neurological delays so we got rid of anything that could cause him further harm. Im going to try and talk Steve into either a real one this year (achoo!) or a new fake one. For Caleb :)

so those are my happy moments from today. There is a long list of things I didnt do but Im thankful for all the sweet moments, the hugs, the giggles, the love.

Happy Birthday Noah!

Like my new cheery background?! I dont know what took me so long. It got so ugly and depressing. Now it makes me smile :) and heres to something happy to blog about ....

My first baby turns 8 today! Here is my facebook post from today:

My first baby turns 8 today! I feel old :) Noah is a wonderful young man, we are so thankful for him. He's getting straight A's at school, has a sweet tender heart towards the Lord., has a passion for justice and is crazy creative. He loves to take things apart and make new creations from them and loves being outside. We calculated he is 7.88 times his birth weight at 70lbs even (tall and skinny). (special props to my BW friends. You helped me survive my first baby! glad we are still friends! :)) Stacy Zohner Woods, Alli Eckermann, Jennifer Doherty, Carol Wolfe Mitchell, Janelle Troyer, Colleen Dewey Poteat, Michelle Evans, Rachelle Shultz

We really are so thankful for Noah. He is quite a challenge sometimes but its because the Lord has filled him with such passion. The Lord has great plans for him!!!









With his dogs and a bug in a bag. Happy as can be! :)